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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29579694">Illuminations</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartEyes4Mariska/pseuds/HeartEyes4Mariska'>HeartEyes4Mariska</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Drama &amp; Romance, F/F, Jealousy, Original Fiction, Suspense, Time Skips</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:48:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,876</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29579694</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartEyes4Mariska/pseuds/HeartEyes4Mariska</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What is the meaning of life? That was it - a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with years, the great revelation had never come. The great revelation perhaps never did come. Instead, there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark; here was one. - </p>
<p>Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Olivia Benson/Amanda Rollins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A/N: Hello to all Constant Readers, as well as anyone who is new. 😊 Do I have any idea where this is going? Well, vaguely I suppose. Have I written anything quite like this before?  Not really. You'll just have to trust me and give it a shot.</p>
<p>If you're not following me on Tumblr, you're missing out on the Cabenson drabbles that I have been stretching my muscles on. I will eventually post them here, but likely not until I get enough for it to be worthwhile. </p>
<p>I am considering doing an incentive in relation to the next chapter of Diverge, to get me over the hump of my third goal on KF. If that's something that interests you, you can find the details on Tumblr and/or Instagram later today (Feb. 20).</p>
<p>Please review! Early encouragement is so important! Also, don't forget suggestions are open for Eight Days. </p>
<p>Rating: MA<br/>Spoilers: None<br/>Trigger warnings: blood/bleeding, life or death situation</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <em>October 28th 2018</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Marry me,” Olivia said, her voice breaking slightly on the two syllables. She smiled, tenderly.</p>
<p><br/>Amanda's breathing was labored from the pain she was in, but somehow she still managed to furrow her brows and meet the brunette's eyes. “If you're trying to make me laugh,” she wheezed, “your timing is awful.”</p>
<p><br/>Under the press of Liv's palm, the blonde's blood continued to spill in spite of the pressure. It was hot, thick, the iron scent of it crowding Liv's nose. “I'm not joking,” she swore, the tears in her eyes brimming. One of them slid down the sharp plane of her nose, dripping onto Rollins’ bulletproof vest. “I love you. I want us to be a family. Please don't leave us,” she sniffed, “Stay, and marry me.”</p>
<p><br/>Amanda's breathing was getting shallower as her normally pale skin grew paper white. The effort of taking a breath so she could respond was obviously painful, and Olivia's tears ran more quickly. “Liv – ” she huffed, “tell Jesse and Noah . . . ”</p>
<p><br/>Olivia pressed a finger to Amanda's cool lips. “No. Don't – you tell them yourself! Help will be here soon. Look at me!”</p>
<p><br/>Clear, ice blue eyes struggled to focus on Liv's desperate face. “I love you,” she whispered, and her dark-haired Captain let out a soft sob, touching her forehead with her own. Her lips moved one more time, mouthed the word, <em>Yes</em> so quietly it was almost an illusion.</p>
<p><br/>When Olivia reeled back at the answer, Rollins' eyes had closed, and ice-cold terror slipped around her heart and squeezed like the Reaper himself had opened her ribcage. “Amanda! No! You can't die on me!” she cried.</p>
<p><br/>The chaos all around the two women had long fused into a muffled buzzing: the flashing of patrol car lights, the clicking of camera flashes as gawkers recorded the gore and death, voices barking, sirens, the roar of flame, the feel of hard tarmac under Olivia's aching knees. Time had scattered somehow, and there was only the painful ache of her heart, battering her chest and the mocking seep of rust red from Amanda's chest over her fingers.</p>
<p><br/><em>How did we get here?</em> Liv was thinking, again and again.</p>
<p>
  <em>How did we get here?</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>■</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Illuminations ■ One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Generally, this story is set in mid-S19. Jesse and Noah exist here, Billie does/will not.</p>
<p>Rating: MA<br/>Spoilers: Gone Baby Gone, Chasing Demons, Amaro's One-Eighty, Downloaded Child<br/>Triggers: vague references to homicide</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Eight Months Earlier</em><br/>
<em>February 2018</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Amanda's stomach had been turning and turning, ever since Noah had drawn those boots on the breakfast tabletop. She had tousled his soft brown hair, licked her thumbs to clean maple syrup and blueberry juice from his cheeks, then sent him in to school – already wondering how she would broach the topic with Liv.</p>
<p><br/>
“You get your sink fixed?”</p>
<p><br/>
That's what came tumbling out of her mouth as she stood in the doorway of Olivia's office. It didn't seem to ring a bell for the Lieutenant, which only made Amanda's stomach drop further.</p>
<p><br/>
“Huh? Oh, not yet,” she said, barely acknowledging Rollins' presence.</p>
<p><br/>
“Liv.” The tone got Olivia to look at her. “Liv, what's going on?”</p>
<p><br/>
“What do you mean?” </p>
<p><br/>
“The pair of men's boots at your apartment this morning.”</p>
<p><br/>
She looked at her from over the edge of her glasses, affronted. “<em>Excuse</em> me?”</p>
<p><br/>
Amanda knew she had crossed a line – Olivia Benson's privacy was renowned - but she was indignant. Things had been going along so well for them, since the incident with Sheila, and whatever this was felt like going rapidly backwards.</p>
<p><br/>
“You're really gonna make me work this hard for it?” Rollins pushed, not breaking her Lieutenant’s gaze.</p>
<p><br/>
Liv took off her glasses, taking her time getting up and closing the office door. “They're Cassidy's,” she finally confessed.</p>
<p><br/>
“Are you kidding me?” Amanda’s tone was accusing.</p>
<p><br/>
Liv looked down, uncomfortable. “It's not what you think.” She sighed heavily. “Cassidy was at West's brownstone last night. He went there to <em>admonish</em> him.”</p>
<p><br/>
Amanda forced herself not to laugh aloud. “ ‘Admonish’ him?!”</p>
<p><br/>
“Never got the chance. Walked in, he was hit over the head from behind, and when he woke up, he found West's body.”</p>
<p><br/>
The blonde was nodding, but incredulous. “You believe that?”</p>
<p><br/>
“He's in pretty bad shape, Amanda.”</p>
<p><br/>
Rollins could feel her anger, rising and rising despite her every effort. “He's still there?” Liv nodded. “He needs to come in, Liv.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Yes. And he will. Just not yet,” she responded, but her voice was unsteady.</p>
<p><br/>
“Because you and Cassidy used to be together?!” Amanda blurted, no longer able to hide her disgust at the quagmire.</p>
<p><br/>
“If I thought that he had anything to do with this, that wouldn't matter, and you know that,” Olivia said lowly, pointing at her in warning.</p>
<p><br/>
“Come <em>on</em>, Liv. He exploded in the courtroom . . . I mean, what's he, what's he capable of one-on-one after a few tequila shots?” She watched the consideration of Brian's temper in Liv's eyes, saw her worry her hands together. “I mean, he could just be playin’ you!”</p>
<p><br/>
“Amanda, can you just give me a <em>little</em> bit of credit?” Olivia scoffed, her own anger pushing back.</p>
<p><br/>
Undeterred, Amanda's voice was really, finally up: “I know Cassidy, and I know his fuse is so short, and he is notorious for making <em>really</em> bad decisions!”</p>
<p><br/>
“Decisions like what, Amanda? Tell me!” Liv chuckled wearily.</p>
<p><br/>
“Like letting you go, for one.”</p>
<p><br/>
It was out in the room, then – unplanned, unconsidered. The words changed the hue of both of their gazes, tamping Amanda's anger, Olivia's stubbornness. </p>
<p><br/>
“What would you do, Amanda?”</p>
<p><br/>
She stumbled, sighing, accepting what was already done. “So, what - what's your plan?”</p>
<p><br/>
“For now . . . for now, we work the case,” Liv offered simply.</p>
<p><br/>
Amanda nodded, still unconvinced. “And if Stone finds out that Cassidy's hiding out in your apartment, it's not just your ass on the line now,” she reminded her, “it's mine, too.”</p>
<p><br/>
The office door shut just shy of a slam as Olivia took another deep breath, pressing her hands together to keep them from trembling. It was a very large mess for not even 10 AM.</p>
<p><br/>
■</p>
<p><br/>
It had been less than a month since Olivia had given Rollins a key to her apartment. Amanda didn't allow herself to imagine any romantic implications; she knew it was because of Noah's abduction, and the fact that it had taken ages just to get Noah sleeping in his own bed again. The thought of using the key without asking first had never even entered Amanda's mind.</p>
<p><br/>
Until she had seen the mess that the West murder was turning into.</p>
<p><br/>
Before she had thought it through, she was already parked outside Liv's building, slamming out of her truck as all the anger and the jealousy from the day reached a fever pitch. Bounding the stairs two by two, she let herself in to the apartment, purposely making it seem as though she came and went as she pleased.</p>
<p><br/>
Brian was standing at the counter, looking out of place, and it was satisfying as hell for her.</p>
<p><br/>
“What are you doing here?”</p>
<p><br/>
“I never took you for a coward,” she smirked.</p>
<p><br/>
“I didn't kill West.”</p>
<p><br/>
Her gaze was completely devoid of sympathy. “But you got drunk? You went over there looking for a fight? Yeah - <em>why</em> else would you be hiding out here?”</p>
<p><br/>
“I didn't have a choice!”</p>
<p><br/>
“No? Oh, so now you're just gonna sit back and watch Liv destroy her <em>own</em> career?”</p>
<p><br/>
Cassidy halted, eyeing her. “What are you talking about?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Stone is at the squad room right now, ripping her a new one, because he found out that we're back working West's case. So when Stone finds out that <em>you</em> were at West's brownstone -?” Amanda eyed him pointedly as he dropped onto the sofa.</p>
<p><br/>
“She'll think of something,” he muttered.</p>
<p><br/>
Rollins' rage blazed again, hardly able to comprehend Cassidy's passivity at both his own and Olivia's destruction. “Oh, Cassidy, <em>she shouldn't have to!</em>” she shouted, “You - you really want charges brought against her?!”</p>
<p><br/>
“That's not gonna happen,” he spit back.</p>
<p><br/>
“Why?” she laughed, her contempt of him plain. “Because <em>your</em> ass is covered, right, Brian? And the hell with everybody else? I got ya.” Her eyes flashed with dangerous satisfaction as she saw her words finally press his button dead center.</p>
<p><br/>
“Oh, that's really rich! <em>Really</em> rich coming from you, Rollins,” he was on his feet again, right in her face as she widened her eyes at his shout. “You got some skeletons in your closet, right? Who bailed <em>you</em> out?”</p>
<p><br/>
Amanda raised a hand between them, making a disgusted noise in her throat. “That was different. God only knows why she trusts you,” she spat.</p>
<p><br/>
A tremble had started in her, though. She was bold, but no fool; she knew that Brian was aware of her feelings for Olivia, knew that more than half her rage was rooted in the idea of him having been there all night, in the imagining of his hands on Liv, after having gotten so close to Liv herself in the last six weeks. He knew – and Amanda knew he wasn't beyond using it against her.</p>
<p><br/>
“Hey, you think I killed West, hmm?” He grinned, knowingly. “Go ahead. Arrest me.”</p>
<p><br/>
“You know I would never go against Liv,” she admitted, refusing to avoid his eyes. That tremble was working its way into her voice, though, and suddenly she wanted to be out of there again. “And if you ever gave a damn about her,” she accused, moving toward the door, “I'd man up and turn yourself in.” </p>
<p><br/>
Slamming the door, she left Cassidy on that thought.</p>
<p><br/>
■</p>
<p><br/>
It had been a couple hours that Amanda had been sitting on Olivia's sofa, when she finally heard the lock in the door. She had sent Lucy home, put Noah to bed, and had a beer in her hand that she was mostly forgetting to drink. It was the second time in three days that she had used her key, without asking, to let herself in to Liv's place, and she braced herself for everything she deserved.</p>
<p><br/>
She looked up at Liv's surprised expression as the door opened. On the sofa, she sat with her hands dangling between her knees, leaning forward. </p>
<p><br/>
“Amanda?” Her voice wasn't angry, just curious.</p>
<p><br/>
“Hey, Liv,” Rollins returned quietly.</p>
<p><br/>
Olivia slipped from her boots and jacket, then continued on to the kitchen. She found the rest of the beer in the refrigerator and took a bottle for herself. When she dropped wearily onto the couch beside the anxious blonde, Amanda cleared her throat.</p>
<p><br/>
“Here,” Amanda murmured, reaching into her pocket. Her copy of the apartment key clicked as she put it on the coffee table. Olivia glanced at it, then back to Amanda's face. “I uh, I know that coming over here to compare ball-size with Cassidy is not the reason why you gave me a key. I want you to know that I acknowledge that, and I'm sorry for abusing that privilege.”</p>
<p><br/>
She took a short drink of her beer, and then went on: “I <em>also</em> know that, while I don't agree with Cassidy's hiding out here, that I should'a trusted your instincts about him more, so I'm sorry for that too. The truth is, your faith in people is something that I admire about you, it just . . . it drove me <em>crazy</em> that Brian didn't think about how hard you've worked to run the unit since Cragen. Especially <em>this</em> year, after everything with Noah.</p>
<p><br/>
“I don't expect you to just . . . ” she gestured vaguely with her hands, “wipe my slate clean for apologizing, either. Mama always said Daddy's temper was gonna ruin me in the end, and she's probably not wrong.” Shrugging, Amanda laughed into the neck of her bottle and took another pull.</p>
<p><br/>
Olivia smiled in the muted light cast by the table lamps. “I think what you did was really brave, actually.”</p>
<p><br/>
Rollins stilled, shocked. “Excuse me?”</p>
<p><br/>
“You heard me. You weren't wrong, about Cassidy and bad decisions . . . ” Amanda grew faint at Liv's recall of her confession in the office, “and being put in his place was a long time in coming. Even when we were together, and things started to fall apart – he was the one who called me on withdrawing. I let him get away with things for a long time.”</p>
<p>“Well, you're welcome then, I guess,” Amanda joked cautiously.</p>
<p><br/>
“I wouldn't suggest that you and Brian kiss and make up any time soon, though,” Olivia laughed. Amanda rolled her eyes, settling back on the sofa a bit more comfortably. “Now, about your key . . . ”</p>
<p><br/>
The younger woman looked down again, scratching a nail across the label on her bottle.</p>
<p><br/>
“I know it wasn't your intention to invade my privacy – and your apology means a lot to me. I'd like for you to keep it.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Huh?” Amanda's head jerked up.</p>
<p><br/>
“The key, Amanda. Put it back in your pocket.” She watched as Rollins did as told, putting it in the pocket of her jeans, then Liv set her beer down on the coffee table and moved over so that they were sitting with knees touching.</p>
<p><br/>
Amanda could feel the pulse at her throat crowding in, remembering Liv's tone when she'd immediately responded<em> It's not what you think</em> when Amanda had fixed her jealous glare on her a few mornings before.</p>
<p><br/>
“Can I tell you something?” Liv said softly.</p>
<p><br/>
“Anything,” Rollins exhaled.</p>
<p><br/>
“I didn't want Brian . . . here, either,” she told her, taking a purposeful pause in her words. She leaned in until her mouth was just a head-turn from Amanda's. “I wanted you.” Then not even the turn of head remained, and Olivia kissed the blonde's soft, nervous mouth.</p>
<p><br/>
As the kiss deepened and went on, Amanda's nerves began to mellow into a more tolerable ache. She smiled when it broke and murmured, “Are you saying I won the ball-comparing contest?”</p>
<p><br/>
Olivia trailed her thumb over Amanda's full lips. “Every day of the week,” she nodded, then pulled her back in, kissing her harder, deeper. “Stay,” she breathed, “and take me to bed.”</p>
<p><br/>
What else could she have said, but yes? When it came to Olivia, for Amanda, everything was yes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>■</p><hr/>
<p>
  <a href="http://www.instagram.com/HeartEyes4Mariska">Instagram</a>
</p>
<p>
  <a href="http://www.aries-rising-on-an-aquarius-tide.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Illuminations ■ Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Want to be the first to read the end of Diverge? Check out my Tumblr or Instagram for details!</p>
<p>Thank you for all your reviews!</p>
<p>Rating: MA<br/>Spoilers: None<br/>Trigger warnings: medical emergency, life or death situation, hysteria</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>I am drowning, my dear, in seas of fire. - Virginia Woolf, <em>To the Lighthouse</em></p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>
  <em>October 28th 2018</em>
</p>
<p>Powerful hands gripped Olivia, fingers digging into her armpits and then she was being yanked backwards. Medics swarmed Amanda's unmoving body, shouting stats back and forth as they worked to transfer her smoothly to a backboard. Fin struggled to hold his friend and Captain in place as she became hysterical, hot tears streaking through the mélange of blood, soot and grime on her face.</p>
<p><br/>“<em>Amanda!</em>” she screamed, trying to pull Fin's hands from her, not caring for the first time in their 18 years that it was him or that he had the best intentions at heart. Her fingernails broke skin on the backs of his hands, digging for purchase to launch herself forward.</p>
<p><br/>“Liv,” he grunted, still pulling her back, “Liv! If you don't let ‘em work on her, there's not gonna be anything they can do!”</p>
<p><br/>The place that was once Olivia's chest had become the center of an endless, pounding ache that defied comprehension. Fin's words started to sink in and she stopped fighting his hold, the last of her adrenaline evaporating without warning. She went limp, nearly slipping from Fin's arms completely before he caught her again.</p>
<p> <br/>“Okay, alright,” he took a deep breath, “you need to let them look at you, Liv. Let ‘em check you out, and I promise we'll go right to the hospital.”</p>
<p><br/>“I want to go with Amanda,” she told him, her voice hoarse from her hysteria, “let me go!”</p>
<p><br/>“I can't,” he said apologetically. “C'mon.”</p>
<p><br/>With not enough strength left to fight him, Fin was able to get her moving then, away from where the heat and smoke of flames were still enough to sting their eyes. They kept moving until they were within arms' reach of another medic.</p>
<p><br/>“Hey!” he barked, “This is Captain Benson – see what you can do for her!” He spun her from his arms into the paramedic's as if in a ballroom competition. He leaned down until he caught Olivia's gaze. “I'll be right back,” he told her.</p>
<p><br/>Liv watched Fin jog back into the middle of the chaos as the heavy sensation of shock began to settle down over her like the velvet curtain of a darkened stage.</p>
<p><br/>■</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <a href="http://www.aries-rising-on-an-aquarius-tide.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a>
</p>
<p>
  <a href="http://www.instagram.com/HeartEyes4Mariska">Instagram</a>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Illuminations ■ Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Rating: T<br/>Spoilers: Sunk Cost Fallacy, vaguely for Rhodium Nights arc<br/>Trigger warnings: vague references to domestic abuse</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>I slammed<br/>the refrigerator door<br/>with everything I've got:<br/>"I don't want you sleeping<br/>with anyone else,"<br/>I screamed,</p>
  <p>you hugged me<br/>&amp; picked up the broken mayonnaise jar<br/>from the floor. - from "So This is Love" by Patricia Donegan</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>
  <em>April 2018</em>
</p>
<p>The last time Olivia had seen Alex Cabot, she had been stretched out on her stomach, sleeping soundly as she clutched one of the pillows on Liv's bed. Olivia had kissed her gently, and slipped off to work. Not long after, Manhattan’s offices of law and order were shaken and purged by the fallout of the Delia Wilson takedown. Alex left the city, putting another end to the off and on relationship that the two women had been tripping up and falling in over the years.</p>
<p><br/>It had shaken Liv in a way she couldn't describe, to be standing across from the tall blonde again, only to have her ask, <em>Are you gonna arrest me?</em></p>
<p><br/>But even worse was the look of disappointment that Alex fixed on her when Olivia broke the news that Jules Hunter was dead. The look was immediately followed by an explosion of Alex's anger, and Liv had never felt so torn over following the law. Their standoff was interrupted by Amanda, who tried her damndest not to simply throw herself to Liv's defense. Nobody knew that she and Liv had been dating.</p>
<p><br/>Alex, however, was no fool.</p>
<p><br/>“You're sleeping with her, aren't you?” she said, as soon as the office door shut behind Amanda's exit.</p>
<p><br/>“Alex – ” Liv sighed.</p>
<p><br/>“What is it with you and blondes, anyway?” she added, putting her hands on her hips.</p>
<p><br/>“Alex!”</p>
<p><br/>“Oh - you'd rather go back to insulting me and the work I do now? Ok, got it, sex is off-limits.”</p>
<p><br/>“If I was flouting the law, I would’ve expected you to take me to task, too,” Liv exclaimed, “until now, that is.”</p>
<p><br/>“Look, Liv – I admire your patience, but not everyone can manage Job as their role-model. I got tired of waiting on the law to catch up with real life; tired of watching women suffer!”</p>
<p><br/>“Christ, Alex!” Olivia slammed her hand against her desk. “Nineteen <em>years!</em> You think I'm not <em>tired</em> of the suffering?!”</p>
<p><br/>Tears welled in Alexandra's eyes, and for a moment both women were still. If the blonde was fire, then Olivia was air; she fed Alex's need to burn, but was consumed in the process. It had always been Alex's tendency to take these flights of extreme activism that kept their intimate relationship from being something more than off and on. Still, there was a reason that fire could be irresistible.</p>
<p><br/>“Alexandra,” Olivia whispered, and it snapped the tension, sending Cabot into the brunette’s arms. “I'm sorry,” Liv offered, though there was nothing meaningful she could add to the apology.</p>
<p><br/>From her desk outside Liv's office door, Amanda watched them together, her lips pressed into a thin line.</p>
<p><br/>■</p>
<p><br/>Spring was in full swing that April, and Olivia had shed her jacket before she even made it to Amanda's that evening. When she came through the apartment door, Amanda was at the kitchen island, elbow-deep in making sandwiches and salad. In the living room, Noah and Jesse were playing contentedly as Liv stopped to kiss Amanda on the cheek.</p>
<p><br/>“Looks good. How were the kids?” she asked as she moved to the coffee maker.</p>
<p><br/>“Fine – you know how much Noah likes to entertain Jesse.”</p>
<p><br/>“Are you gonna have a coffee?”</p>
<p><br/>“Sure,” Rollins returned, her voice flat.</p>
<p><br/>Liv turned from the counter. “Something wrong?”</p>
<p><br/>“I can't rightly say, to be honest,” was the reply.</p>
<p><br/>Olivia loathed conflict where the kids could pick up on it. She stepped up alongside Amanda at the island. “What's that supposed to mean?” she pressed, keeping her voice light and quiet.</p>
<p><br/>“We haven't spoken much about our exes. Maybe you had every intention on tellin' me that you used to be with Cabot, and it just never came up before she showed back up in your life.”</p>
<p><br/>For a moment, Liv is speechless – despite the fact that she should have given Amanda's powers of perception more credit. She hadn't taken the time to consider that the territorial blonde would see that in Alex right away. There was a time, perhaps, when Olivia hid her sexual preferences better.</p>
<p><br/>“You're right. I'm sorry. I should have told you about Alex, as soon as you two met.”</p>
<p><br/>Amanda side-eyed her, finishing up the last of the mayo from the open jar. “Was it serious?”</p>
<p><br/>“I – ” Liv shook her head, started again,: “I don't  know how to answer that. It’s been on and off – more the latter than the former, especially in the last, I dunno, eight years?”</p>
<p><br/>Amanda kept her eyes on the counter, laying down the butter knife. “That's a long time to hold a flame,” she said softly.</p>
<p><br/>“She's my friend. We've known each other for seventeen years, Amanda.”</p>
<p><br/>From the sandwiches, Rollins turns to the fridge and digs around inside for the new jar of mayonnaise. Liv waits patiently, until she hears a sniffle from the form that's half inside the humming appliance.</p>
<p><br/>“Amanda,” she says softly, and her wet blue eyes meet Liv's own dark gaze as she pops back up.</p>
<p><br/>The full jar is strangled in her grip. “I don't want you sleeping with anyone else!” Her words come out angry, embarrassed, scared all at the same time.</p>
<p><br/>Olivia reached out  and took the jar, sliding it onto the island counter without breaking her gaze with Amanda. “C'mere,” she murmured, tugging her from around the door to the refrigerator. The door drifted closed as Liv held Amanda tightly.</p>
<p><br/>“It's not like that,” she told her gently, “not like that, Amanda.”</p>
<p>■</p>
<p><br/>The case is a disaster, that neither Olivia nor Alex can stop. She bids Alex another goodbye in their long series of partings, conceding – even if only for the moment – that the world needs both Alex's fire and her own immutable objectivity in order for justice to strike a balance.</p>
<p><br/>Liv strolls home in the dark, to her apartment where Amanda is waiting. The kids are sleeping soundly in a sea of stuffed animals, Jesse having snuck into Noah's bed as soon as her mother wasn't looking.</p>
<p><br/>“What did Alex have to say?” Amanda's voice is apprehensive, tiny in the moonlit bedroom as Olivia undresses.</p>
<p><br/>“You don't want to know,” Liv sighs, tugging an old t shirt over her head. She sits on the edge of the bed next to Amanda. “Suffice to say, we made an incredible mess of an already terrible situation.”</p>
<p><br/>“Y'know, Alex is the only one telling you that you did the wrong thing.”</p>
<p><br/>Olivia moved around the bed and climbed into her own side. “I know. It's just . . . been a long time, since doing the right thing felt so wrong.”</p>
<p><br/>Rollins spoons against Liv and reminds her that not all fire scorches everything it touches; that banked fires warm hearth and home, as long as they are well-tended.</p>
<p>■</p>
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